I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
