I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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