I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
