don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD