Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
