So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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