I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
