My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
organizing the empties. That sober.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
