allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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