I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
