Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The uberlube is also flammable
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
