Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
