You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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