I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My dad just said "fuck circus"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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