Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
