Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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