He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
