I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
