I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
