Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
