Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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