So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want to fling myself into the sun
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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