Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
