Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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