did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
