We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
God I need to hump something, right now.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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