I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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