No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
