dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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