The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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