My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
