Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
