you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pants are for mortals
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
