she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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