Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
