Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize