the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
