God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
