I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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