she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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