ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
