yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
