I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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