Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
