are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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