Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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