Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
