This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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