You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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