birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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