If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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