You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
