from now on my penis is your penis
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so let's talk penis.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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