I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
you had me at cake vodka
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
