I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
