I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
