I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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